Before You Confront Your Mate
In growing friendship in marriage, you love one another enough to call each other to account. For instance, most rate pretty good to confront your mate in the physical realm.
Your husband’s about to give a speech at the banquet. You notice he has a piece of huckleberry stuck in his teeth. So, you discreetly mention that fact to him. Or you tell him if his zipper isn’t zipped. If your wife walks out of the house with a dryer cloth hanging from the back of her dress, you say something. Looking after each other spiritually is just as important.
Much Wisdom Required
However, this delicate matter can be misused or misunderstood. Think it through with care before speaking. On the other hand, here’s an example where confronting a mate definitely should have taken place.
Acts 5 details exciting times for the early church with lots of fresh converts. After Peter preached, thousands believed in Christ. Lots of new Christians had peace with God and the certainty of eternity. That made for a bountiful mood of loving everybody and generous giving.
Barnabas, called the encourager, sold a bunch of his property and gave all the money to distribute to those in need. That caused quite a stir and gave Barnabas a reputation for generosity. Then Ananias appeared on the scene.
Couple Collusion
“But there was a man named Ananias (with his wife Sapphira) who sold some property and brought only part of the money, claiming it was the full price. (His wife agreed to this deception.)” (Acts 5:1).
Peter accuses each of them separately of lying to the Holy Spirit. They drop dead on the spot. This event caused much fear for the developing church. Some place in that relationship there should have been confronting.
When this couple sold their property, they didn’t have to give anything. Or they could give a tithe of ten percent if they liked. They were free to do anything they wanted. But perhaps they thought about Barnabas who got a lot of perks of relationships with what he did. They wanted to tuck back some of their proceeds and yet get credit and praise for giving everything. So, they lied. Neither said, “This is wrong. We can’t do this.” A deadly decision.
First Things First
You need to be concerned about your mate’s spiritual life and health. But how do you go about the process with sensitivity along with concern? Here’s a way to deal with your mate’s spiritual weaknesses and failures.
- Establish your loyalty.
Before you confront your mate, certain actions should line up. Check out the relationship. Have there been recent struggles, tension, and disturbing problems? How are you getting along? Are you trying to change some errors in your own life? You’re not ready to call your mate to account until you assess your situation. Do the homework.
Don’t assume it’s your duty to spiritually correct your mate after twenty-five years of nagging, complaining, and picking away at dreams and goals. Do they know you’re on their side? You won’t have much chance of changing them if you haven’t been physically and emotionally by their side.
Loyalty Test
This sample formula can test your consistent loyalty. Think of three concrete actions when you stood up for your mate in the last three or four months. Perhaps things were bad at work, and they felt like quitting. And you said, “Honey, I’m on your side. We’ll make it somehow. Don’t worry.” If you can’t recall such a time, don’t call them to account. Criticism works best coming from someone you know is on your side. But proof of loyalty can’t be established overnight. This may mean months of preparation.
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Demonstrate spiritual growth.
Show that you’re struggling and working too. Sometimes it might seem there’s inequality in your marriage. Perhaps you feel your spouse isn’t as spiritual as you are. We could have different ideas of what spiritual maturity looks like. But more important than reaching some standard or level is to be an open, growing Christian. You know you’re not perfect. You struggle too.
Come to your mate as a fellow pilgrim and struggler. Be honest and confess, “I’m really having a problem with anger. Can you help me? Will you pray with me about it?” When changes become visible and then you point out something in their life, you work on issues together.
Avoiding Accountability
Sometimes we don’t like to talk about our struggles until we’re victorious. We want to get this thing whipped and then we open up. It’s like being on a secret diet. You all of a sudden lose some pounds and wait for what they will say. Meanwhile, if you grab food out of the refrigerator no one nags at you. They don’t know you’re trying to eat right.
The same thing’s true about holiness. To get help you must admit you don’t know everything. But if you keep your true self hidden, no one knows you’re growing.
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Be vulnerable.
Be willing for your spouse to point out your spiritual weaknesses. Allow them to pick at you first. But don’t say, “Go ahead, let me have it, because I’ve got something big to throw back at you.” Sincerely ask for correction.
For instance, quiz them on how you can better show them your love. “Go ahead. Give me some advice.” Then follow through. Establish loving credibility.
If you do all these three things, then you’re ready to confront. But that’s going to take time, probably some months, no matter how crucial the flaw in their life.
Prepare Ahead
However, you could be thinking, like my wife Janet, “He has no flaws at all.” That’s more reason to practice these disciplines. You never know what’s to come. Whatever it is, you’ll be prepared. You will establish background in these areas. Do them all the time, then you’re ready whenever the need arises.
Stephen Bly
Circa 1993
Couple Heads Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
Number One Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay
Hearts Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
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Related Resources
— Available May 31, 2022 — “Calling Your Mate to Account”, Part 2, “How To Confront Your Mate” blog article HERE: HOW TO CONFRONT
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“Calling Your Mate to Account” audio podcast by award-winning western author Stephen Bly. Sponsored by BlyBooks.com Legacy Series.
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