HOW CAN I EVER FORGIVE? by Author Stephen Bly
True forgiveness takes divine assistance. If you can forgive without seeking God or down on your knees in prayer, it’s probably an insignificant thing. Real breaks in relationships require God’s help. You may feel overwhelmed. How can I ever forgive them or work this through? You may come to the point where you don’t want to forgive them.
Seek God’s Help
We pray about all kinds of things. Quick prayers go up in heavy traffic or school meetings or grace with the family around the dinner table. When you go to God in serious prayer, such as a need for forgiveness in a marriage or for a close friend, you need to be by yourself for a good amount of time. What do you do in that kind of prayer time? Here’s some suggestions.
~~ Be transparent. Ask God to reveal in you any offense of your own that might have caused the other person to act the way they did. They did something, behaved in such a way that requires your forgiveness. They may have broken trust or a vow. Did you set them up in some way?
Try To Understand
~~ Ask God if there’s any obstruction in your life that prevents you from ever forgiving them. Perhaps it’s spiritual pride. Or you want to be superior. “I was the one offended. I didn’t mess up. But if I forgive them, that puts them back on equal ground with me. And I don’t really want that. I like being the more spiritual one.”
~~ Ask God for wisdom to understand the why of their behavior. What do they struggle with? Is it self-image, self-worth, social status, or something in their background? “Lord, why did they do this?”
Ask God for the best good in the situation.
~~ Seek His wisdom to bring the most spiritual benefit out of the consequences. You wonder how you’ll ever have a relationship back as strong as it was. But here’s where it is now. Pray the Lord can build something even better out of it.
One of the great joys of serving God is His ability to take anything, the worse mess ever, and create something good that glorifies Him. The ultimate demonstration of that is the crucifixion of His Son, Jesus. He took the worst act man ever did on earth and turned it around to the best thing that ever happened for you and me. That’s the kind of power God has. And if we’re in a tough situation such as a broken relationship and we don’t know how it’s ever going to work out, begin to pray God will use this to bring about the best spiritual good possible. He can do that, no matter how bad.
Talk about your difficulty to ever forgive.
Tell the person, “I am having a hard time ever forgiving you.” Let them know the struggle. Here’s some more clues about such a conversation.
~~ Find a time and place conducive to uninterrupted conversation. This might eliminate the checkout line at the supermarket or a commercial break during the TV football game.
~~ Explain exactly the specifics of your trouble in ever forgiving. Don’t just say, “I don’t like the way you treated me today.” Say instead, “I don’t like how you scolded me in public at the bank about how we’re overdrawn again. You insinuated before all those people that I can neither add nor subtract nor keep track of money.” Give the details.
Don’t use emotion as a weapon.
That doesn’t mean don’t be emotional, but try to explain yourself with as much reason as possible. We’re emotional people who cry and laugh, get full of anger or joy, but don’t use your passion for a weapon. That is, don’t on purpose get emotional so you can manipulate the other’s behavior change.
Give them a chance to respond.
Take time to listen and hear their side.
~~ Don’t put answers in his/her mouth. Don’t say, “How come you always come home late? Is it because you like going to that cheap bar on the other side of town? Or you don’t think I’m pretty anymore and you’re chasing some floozy? Or you don’t want to be around the kids?” You’re giving a multiple-choice answer. Don’t give ideas or presume the worst.
~~ Allow them time to think about the problem. Remember, you’ve been pondering this for a certain length of time, perhaps six months or more. It’s been bugging you, boiling in you as you’ve mulled it over and over. Finally, you sit down and talk about it. Give them at least that long to reply, if needed. Don’t expect them to decide something instantly. That should motivate you to act more quickly. “I’ve been thinking about this for three minutes. Now, you get three minutes.” How much easier that works.
The rule in the Bible: “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26). Settle it before that night.
Plan a course of action.
Perhaps you’ve already determined a plan. And if they’re loving enough to say, “Hey, what would you like for me to do differently?” you can have an answer ready. But this step also allows working together to find a mutually acceptable action. What can you both agree on? Or can you do something yourself to change?
~~ If they ask forgiveness, accept it without reservation.
~~ If they refuse to admit any personal blame (i.e. “it’s your problem”), then at least they know what’s bothering you. Then, you can work to handle it on your own.
Release the matter into God’s hands.
This may be the hardest step. You may be playing games, trying to triumph over the other person. Perhaps deep down you like holding things against them. Or we aren’t sure God will do His part.
If I turn this over to God, will He really see that person gets what they deserve?
Sometimes we’re afraid He might not follow through. God might be more loving, lenient or gracious than we are. As soon as you’re ready, determine to turn it over to Him. He’s the best source to ever help you forgive.
Small Town Living
We live in a little community of about 300 people, Winchester, Idaho. Yet we can count dozens of broken relationships where there’s been no forgiveness. It’s the kind of town that if you don’t know what’s going on, nothing is. That’s surely multiplied wherever you live. Brokenness exists everywhere with desperate needs to forgive. I think people who can be open, honest, and forgiving will stand out in any community. Believers in Christ ought to be that kind of people above all. Forgiveness may be toughest among close relatives, such as husbands and wives, parents and children, or siblings. But friends, neighbors, and co-workers struggle too. Think about the last conflict you experienced. How long ago for you? The longer it festers, the harder to ever forgive.
Take Time To Pray
Commit the situation to the Lord in prayer. Open your life up to His miraculous, creative wonders. He’s so eager to bring heaven’s glory into your life.
“Father, of all Jesus’ qualities, forgiveness is one of the toughest for us to copy. Yet you ask us to do just that. So, Lord, we think back to our last significant conflict. Some aren’t all that big a deal, except if they stick and grow. And others loom like huge, black clouds from the start. We want to begin the process of forgiveness right now. We admit we’re not perfect and have many faults to overcome. Show us in this last conflict some behavior pattern the other person reacts to, that irritates, something we’re doing wrong. Show us, Lord.”
Dig Deeper
“We pray you’ll reveal something in our lives that keeps us from forgiving. Maybe we don’t really want to forgive. Or we’re afraid to forgive because that might be a signal for them to continue doing wrong. So many reasons we hold back. If that’s the case, reveal to us our own failure. Continue to help us understand our mates, family members, and close friends. We’re still learning to do relationships. This other one is a separate person you created, one for whom Jesus died, but we don’t know everything about them. Help us understand why they act the way they do. Help us be patient as we listen. We commit this conflict to you. Please build a spiritual good out of the whole mess. In Jesus Name, Amen.”
Stephen Bly
Copyright©1993
Photo Credits
Let It Go Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash.com
Make Grace Your Space Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash.com
Daffodil Photo by Shamone on Unsplash.com
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Full Length Audio Podcast
“How to Forgive Those You Love” audio podcast by award-winning western author Stephen Bly. Copyright©1993. Recorded at Cannon Beach Conference Center Marriage Retreat, Cannon Beach, Oregon. Sponsored by BlyBooks.com Legacy Series.
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