How To Confront Your Mate
Marriage is the ultimate invasion of privacy. You know the most intimate details about your mate. That means you may have to call them to account when they blow it. “Rebuke your brother if he sins and forgive him if he is sorry” (Luke 17:3). That applies to mates too. Do you know the most effective way how to confront yours?
Some calling to account happens because of cultural differences. “We don’t do it that way. Our family doesn’t act like that.” Those practices need to be talked through. But what about spiritual differences? What kind of lifestyle does God want of us?
How to Get Others to Change
Unrepentant sin keeps going on with no change. Repentance means you stop doing the bad deed. You turn around and go the other way. If not, there must be rebuke, which may include sharp criticism. But it’s better done in a loving and sensitive way.
One day I stood on the streets of Hollywood enjoying the sights. A young, bearded man grabbed me by the shoulder and yelled, “Repent! You’re going to hell!” I turned around to talk with the man, but he left. I saw him grab another person and tell them the same thing. He lectured person after person with no preparation or follow through. You can do better than that.
The Best Way to Confront
Maybe you hope someone else will confront your mate. Perhaps the pastor or a friend. But the first approach best comes from a loving, compassionate mate armed with truth. When your concern centers on an action you truly believe to be unbiblical, share the passages. Follow through with tough love.
Rebuke with patience and instruction.
2 Timothy 4:2, “Preach the word. Be ready in season and out of season. Reprove, rebuke, exhort with great patience and instruction.”
One definition for patience: the ability to change the present situation but refusing to do so because holding back most likely produces a better result. Patience allows time rather than force.
You could demand instant change with a threat. Sometimes you’re tempted to railroad the issue. Patience holds back rather than draw out a complete plan of action. Or warn of a course of pain and anguish to pay them back for what they’ve done.
- Assure your mate they’re not facing this alone.
Galatians 6:1,2: “Dear brothers, if a Christian is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help him back onto the right path, remembering that next time it might be one of you who is in the wrong. Bear each other’s burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ.”
Some problems take two people to work through. Offer to help them. “I will be with you. What can I do?” When your mate has a problem, it’s like dealing with a hole in a two-man raft. You can gripe and complain a lot but you’ll both sink unless you plug the hole. You might as well work together. Try doing it with gentleness—knowing when to be or not be angry.
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Don’t make an enemy of your mate.
2 Thessalonians 3:15, “Don’t think of him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother.”
Keep in mind the main goal. You confront your mate because of the dream of a united, growing, exciting marriage. Or you desire a godly and fulfilling life together. By calling your spouse to account you believe it will help achieve that goal.
Some try to get even. Confronting is just another salvo shot across to their side, to blow them out of the water. “There, take that,” you say. If so, your calling to account’s all wrong. Don’t corner them into being an alienated enemy that works against your best interest. Think of it this way. If someone witnessed you confronting your mate, would they think you’re enemies or lifelong friends?
Janet overheard a husband and wife at a supermarket aisle. The man picked up the wrong brand of beverage and the woman lit into him. Walking behind them, Janet wondered what’s going on and what she should do. Meanwhile, the man said nothing. Soon Janet backed away and pushed her cart down the next aisle. The couple appeared again and this time the man lambasted the woman with his own verbal abuse. The issues centered on more than the wrong choice of drink. A lot of baggage between them exploded in full view at the grocery store.
Of course, few humans can stay perfectly calm all the time about everything. But could others detect a lifelong commitment between you? Make it your aim to confront your mate like a best friend.
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Confront with biblical guidelines.
Pass the wisdom test of James 3:17, “Wisdom from above is first pure and then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering and without hypocrisy.”
The words you choose to confront your mate should be pure, clear of mixed motives. The end result produces peace in the relationship. The words should be gentle and reasonable, that is, open to discussion. When you’re full of mercy and good fruits, you’re anxious to understand their position and willing to accept their explanation.
So, when you rehearse your little speech that you’re going to give them, read through the verse above and give it the wisdom test. If you don’t sound gentle and reasonable, it’s not coming from above but below. Can you say what you need to communicate with love? Are you pushing yourself to show mercy? Will the result be pleasing to the Lord?
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Consider the exact wording.
The old backyard chant, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me,” is the dumbest thing ever taught. Words devastate, paralyze, cripple, and maim mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. You probably remember every petty and offensive remark made against you. The same’s true in a marriage relationship.
Ephesians 4:29, “Let no unwholesome words proceed from your mouth but only what is good and helpful to those you are talking to, and what will give them grace and a blessing. Such words are good for edification and the need of the moment.”
Colossians 4:6, “Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, so you may know how to respond to each person.”
Choose words that help solve the situation. Think it through ahead. Watch out for killer phrases like “always” and “never.” Or “I’ve told you a million times.”
Prepare yourself and find a quiet time for the two of you to talk. Then, after the confrontation allow time. They may need to suffer consequences, especially if they don’t repent. In fact, expect it.
“Do not be deceived,” Galatians 6:7 says, “God is not mocked. Whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.”
Sin costs something. And sometimes it’s quite expensive. Consequences happen to help draw them back to where they should be.
Second, allow repentance to do the full work.
Don’t set an arbitrary deadline. Give them space.
When Nathan confronted King David, he repented instantly. He fell down and said, “I’ve sinned against the Lord.” It took Peter a longer spell to work through his denial of Jesus Christ. He went out and wept and didn’t get over the guilt until after the resurrection. Jesus confronted him with, “Do you love me?” three times.
Here’s a guideline. If your mate’s been working on a bad habit for years and finally beginning to change, expect some years to overcome it. Any time less than that, rejoice! But if you’ve been thinking about confronting them for months, then give them the same length of parallel time to respond to you. If you’ve been mulling it over for a long time, don’t expect them to shape up in three minutes.
Third, rejoice in every confrontation you’ve worked through.
Surviving a serious showdown can be a milestone. After really tough times, the next ordeal often will be a little easier. You’ll look back and say, “If we can make it through that, we can make it through anything.” Sometimes you have no idea the strength of your marriage until you pass through troubles.
In southern California they’ve been working since the early 1970s to construct schools and other buildings to be earthquake proof. Are they really indestructible? Nobody knows. Only a big earthquake will prove it. Or not.
The same with marriages. You may be coming to a rough patch that might be just what you need to reveal you’ve got what it takes to make it through. If you discover you’re earthquake proof, that’s cause to celebrate. Go out to dinner. Buy some roses. Live it up and rejoice.
Stephen Bly
Circa 1993
Couple Talking Image by Kristin Baldeschwiler from Pixabay
Patience & Prayer Photo by Osama Saeed on Unsplash
Bible and Rings Image by StockSnap from Pixabay
Heart Balloons Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay
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Related Resources
“Calling Your Mate to Account”, Part 1, “Before You Confront Your Mate” blog article HERE: YOUR MATE, PART 1
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“Calling Your Mate to Account” audio podcast by award-winning western author Stephen Bly. Sponsored by BlyBooks.com Legacy Series.
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