Forgiving Those You Love

When Those You Should Love Hurt You

What was the last significant conflict you had with those you love, such as your mate or best friend? It might have been three years ago, last spring, or fifty minutes ago. After a talk I gave on the importance of forgiveness at Maranatha Bible & Missionary Conference Center in Michigan, a lady approached me. “I appreciated the points you made about forgiving, but I have a difficult situation. It’s my mother-in-law. I can’t forgive her.” “What happened?” I asked.

“Well, on the day we got married seventeen years ago, in the reception line we shook hands with everyone. Some friends of my husband’s parents came by and after we were introduced, they walked over to my new in-laws. I could hear their whole conversation.” After a sigh, she continued. “The friend said, ‘She seems like such a lovely girl,’ and my mother-in-law replied, ‘Well, she’s certainly not who we would have chosen for him!’ And I haven’t spoken to her since.”

Seventeen years of unforgiveness. No doubt, that was a horrible thing to say. It’s also awful to never communicate after all that time. Think of all the work not forgiving would take. She had to plan her holidays around ignoring her mother-in-law. She’d have to figure out when not to answer the phone because it might be her. The complications go on and on.

Perhaps you aren’t in a situation that drastic, but forgiveness challenges everyone. Forgiving those you should love may be the toughest challenge. Why is it so hard?

4 Reasons Forgiveness is Difficult

First, we’re selfish, unloving, dependent people. That’s the old nature with which we’re born. Little children display selfishness. Their worlds center around them. We see that in our grandchildren. They may be the cutest kids in the world. But if Susy plays out in the sandbox and little Buford dumps sand on her head, she will say, “I wish you were dead.” You come running out and say, “Now, Susy, you didn’t mean that.” She insists, “I do too.” If your children wouldn’t say that, it’s because you taught and trained them.

As adults, we still carry the old nature inside us. We’re basically “it’s all about me” and don’t want to let others off the hook. We want everything to center around us. How dare anyone mess with something in our world? We’re not going to be quick to forgive. And those you should really love the most can really hurt you. It’s close to impossible to forgive what you can’t forget.

Second, something precious has been taken away. Broken trust can shatter or destroy. You trusted someone you love to behave in a certain way and they didn’t. That hits close to the heart and often the home.

Those you love can leave splinters

Those You Marry

Third, sometimes in marriage a spiritual bond breaks. That’s why Jesus said, “The two shall become one flesh.” And “what therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matthew 19:6). When we marry the one we love the most, he/she can also wound us the deepest. Some things happen that may rip apart the oneness, that bond.

The fourth reason forgiveness is so tough: it doesn’t happen quickly nor change everything instantly. Forgiving evolves around a process. If saying, “I forgive you,” terminated all their bad habits, perfected them so they never did bad stuff again, to forgive would be much easier. But it doesn’t always convert the heart or even stir up gratitude. Nor does offering forgiveness change everything back to the way it was. So, we’re hesitant. Yet, for love’s sake, we must do it.

Stephen Bly

Copyright©1993

Forgive Me Scrabble Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Heart and Wood Photo by Jamez Picard on Unsplash

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“How to Forgive Those You Love” audio podcast by award-winning western author Stephen Bly. Recorded at Cannon Beach Conference Center Marriage Retreat, Cannon Beach, Oregon. Sponsored by BlyBooks.com Legacy Series.

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