SIX WAYS TO BE YOUR MATE’S BEST FRIEND BY STEPHEN BLY
I remember the first time I met my future best friend. She had long, brown, shiny hair; big smile; and lips that reminded me of a movie star. At thirteen-years-old in 1958, she seemed to always be chomping gum.
I didn’t talk to her right away. I lived in the country and traveled eight miles to get to school in the city. But in those days, in every high school class we sat alphabetically. And her last name being Chester and mine Bly meant we sat next to each other most the time. But I didn’t speak to her. Rumor had it she had a boyfriend, so it didn’t really matter.
By the end of the first week, she had made the list of one of the Ten Cutest Girls at Redwood High School I concocted in my mind.
The Rest of the Story
It took me over three years and owning a ’55 Chevy before I asked her for a date. And to my surprise, she said, “Yes!” And to my continual surprise, she’s been saying “Yes!” ever since, to not only being a friend, but also “Yes!” to being my wife. And as my mate, she became my best friend.
Some people who aren’t married yet have this idea that, of course, you’re best friends with your mate. After the wedding, you become closer friends. But those who have been married awhile know it doesn’t just happen.
Some Mates Not Best Friends
Janet and I spent ten years counseling some neighbors that lived across a fence behind us. Linda often talked to us about her marriage that wasn’t going well. Then Bob came over and he also talked about their relationship. This theme and pattern repeated for all those years.
We kept trying to give them advice and praying with them, crying with them, being with them. But then, with the last child left, after twenty-nine years of marriage, they got a divorce. We began to realize that after all that time together, raising the same kids, living in the same house, eating at the same table, sleeping in the same bed, they didn’t like each other. These mates never developed a friendship.
They’d never found the key to one another’s heart to grow as friends.
Mates Growing Friendship
Remember back when you first met your mate, all the things you did to build a friendship? You might not admit all the silly things. I remember cruising up and down Rinaldi street many a time just hoping she might be out in the yard. Our phone conversations lasted hours. We hung on every word. We built a relationship by working at it, even plotting it.
When you’re in the fresh flush of love, you don’t seem to mind the hard work of making plans, as well as dreaming of what life might be like together. Why do we get this crazy idea you get married and don’t have to try anymore? You and I need some spurring on once in a while. Maybe there’s an area where you can work a little harder. This is a good topic no matter where you rate as your mate’s best friend. If the relationship’s poor, this hits home. You know you’ve got to do something. If the relationship’s good, it’s because you’ve already been working at it. Either way, you might find here a few good ideas.
How To Be Your Mate’s Best Friend
1.) Find your role as husband and wife.
There’s no way to continue to grow as friends without understanding what a husband and wife should do. You can find examples throughout the Bible. Here’s a couple.
Genesis 2:18, “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’”
One of the roles for the wife is a personal helper suitable for this one man. Janet’s the perfect helper for me. We’ve been remodeling and hanging wallpaper. Here’s how we do it. Janet picks out the wallpaper. That can take a long time. But she finally says, “This is the one.” Then, I prepare the walls.
I take all the pictures down and size and clean the walls. I cover up the furniture, put newspaper around the base, get out the tools, cut the paper, measure it, and soak it. Then I hang, brush, and sponge it. Meanwhile, Janet sits on a stool in the middle of the room and watches with occasional advice.
Now, you say, “That’s not the way we do it at our house.” However, my mate’s a helper suitable for me. When I hang wallpaper, nobody should get in my way. Side by side doesn’t work. We’ve figured out the roles we like as best friends.
Stay Close to Your Mate
Genesis 2:24, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”
What does cleaving mean? Hold tightly, grasp, and don’t let go. How can we do that in creative ways?
When I pastored in southern California and we owned a home in Idaho, Janet decided she and youngest son Aaron would spend some weeks there before our family vacation. She could get some writing projects done and I’d join them later. That meant separation for about forty-three days. After twenty-five years of marriage, it wasn’t a life-crushing idea. She did that two different summers. So, how do I cleave to my mate and best friend when she’s 1,200 miles away?
Letters to My Best Friend
I wrote to my mate every day to let her know what’s happening. I thought that would show her I’m thinking of her. On a sheet of 11”x8½” paper stuck it in a typewriter, I composed news, views, and musings to fill up the page. I determined Janet would find a daily letter in the mailbox from me, my way of cleaving to her.
2.) Find new ways of expressing love.
Philippians 1:9, “This I pray that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and discernment.”
Paul wrote these words to the best, most loving church he ever pastored. They supported him and weren’t fighting each other. Yet, Paul urged, “Love more and more.” Why? Love needs to grow, whether in a church or becoming your mate’s best friend.
Love is a choice. Both Jesus and Paul commanded people to love. And we tend to say, “Well, it’s a feeling that either grows or it doesn’t.” But no. Love is something you do. So, we continually search for new ways to show love.
Do a verbal, “I love you.”
Some mates find saying the words hard. In Fiddler on the Roof they sing the song, “Do You Love Me?” And the response? “Of course, I do! Haven’t I been married to you all these years?”
I found a new way to say, “I love you,” one time while talking to Janet on the phone in the clubhouse at the golf course. I knew she at home heard a lot of noise in the background, guys talking, laughing, and putting away clubs. Finally, she said, “Well, hurry home, honey. I love you.” Now, I could have mumbled, “Me too.” But instead I almost shouted, “Honey, I love you too!” I know she heard it said loud and clear in front of others.
Give your best friend uninterrupted time.
How does that work? Wife comes in with something really important on her mind. “I’m really troubled about this,” she says. “I’m not sure what to do with this situation with a gal at work. Things aren’t going good.” She’s really saying, “I want to talk.”
But you’re sitting in front of the TV watching Monday night football. So, you say, “Okay, no problem. Wait for a commercial.” But what would happen if you stood right up, flipped the volume down on the TV, and engaged her eyes. “Here I am. Tell me all about it.”
That’s sacrificial, uninterrupted time.
Show love with new ways of touch.
My Janet is a very loving wife, but she prefers private displays of affection. Out in public, she permits hand holding, but that’s it. So was I ever surprised when one day, I headed out to the car and she met me at the driver’s door from the back of the open garage. Before I got in the car, she leaned over and kissed me … on the lips! Now, we have neighbors all around and they could have seen her. For Janet, that was a big deal.
3.) Accept your mate’s spiritual differences.
Paul said, “But one and the same Spirit works in all these things, distributing each of these gifts individually, just as he wills” (1 Corinthians 12:11).
Your mate may have different spiritual gifts than you. Give them opportunities to use them. Sometimes there’s a difference in intensity of worship, what they want to do for the Lord, or even theology disagreements. Try to understand and encourage them. If the difference seems to be a critical spiritual error, pray for them. And sometimes it costs us something to support our mates.
Janet’s Writing Journey
In 1976, Janet wanted to explore some avenues of possible ministry. She eventually mentioned writing interested her. And I said, “Fine, as long as it doesn’t involve me, because that’s not my thing.” And so, we saved a little money. I sent her on a bus to a Christian writers’ conference. What did it cost me?
Well, that writers’ conference happened Easter week. Since I was a pastor and we had two children at home, that meant I babysat during a very busy season. We repeated that for several years because I wanted my best friend’s spiritual gifts to develop. As it turned out, through a series of circumstances, she did get me involved in writing too.
4.) Show your mate support when bad things happen.
Our mates may experience health struggles, financial difficulties, disastrous relationships, and horrible mess-ups they brought on themselves. Through counseling I’ve seen lots of mates challenged to hang in there when tough things happen. This comes through practice in small and big issues. It has to be learned.
One of the worst examples in Scripture of non-support must be Mrs. Job. When Job lost everything—flocks, fields, servants, and children–sitting on an ash heap, what did Mrs. Job do? “Why don’t you curse God and die?” Not cool when you want to be your mate’s best friend.
5.) Call your mate to spiritual account.
Luke 17:3, “Be on your guard. If your brother sins, rebuke him. And if he repents, forgive him.”
We look out for each other on a physical level. You’re sitting at a restaurant, talking, and your mate leans over and says, “Honey, you have some spinach on your teeth.”
That’s not being offensive or picking on your mate. We want our very best appearance. In the same sense, we should their best spiritual behavior. At times, call each other to account. How do you do that?
Be open to their response to you, if they correct you. Also, agree ahead of time the two of you will live by God’s standard in His Word. So, open up the Bible and show them what it says.
6.) Best friends show uncompromising loyalty.
“Therefore what God has brought together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:6).
That’s not a wise saying like in Ben Franklin’s Almanac. Jesus said that. Loyalty proclaims, “I’m on your side, always and forever, amen and amen.”
I saw this demonstrated during a visit to south Florida. I really enjoy going there because I feel so young. Out by the pool, I feel like a hunk. As several of us speakers ate at a restaurant, a well-dressed elderly couple entered. The man pushing a walker wore a suit and tie. She had on a shiny, silky dress. They headed to a table across from us.
I noticed she stood and waited while he shuffled around to hold her chair before she sat down. He helped her slide it forward and then he sat down. The waitress bounced over to them. “Well, how are you two today?”
They smiled. “Very well, thank you.” She looked at the man. “My, you look handsome today.” His wife didn’t bat an eye. “Why yes, he does.” He blurted out, “Today’s our anniversary.” The waitress asked, “How many years?” “Sixty-eight.” And then he turned to his wife. “You know, she just gets prettier every year.”
They Took Care of Each Other
During the mealtime I noticed a time or two she leaned over with a big, red linen napkin and brushed his chin. They took care of each other as they ate. The meal over, they got ready to leave. He got up and with gnarled hands from arthritis, he took his walker and scooted around to hold her chair. She took his arm and they slowly headed to the cash register to pay.
Halfway there, he reached around the walker, and patted her on the bottom. And she said in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear, “Now, you cut that out!” The same cheery waitress took their money. “You two have a good year!” and the wife said, “I’m sure we will.”
That’s what loyalty looks like after sixty-eight years. You couldn’t even imagine one of them without the other. We have to keep working to build a friendship like that. It doesn’t happen automatically. Look for new ideas to continually grow. Maybe you found a few here.
Stephen Bly
Circa 1990
Man on Knee Image by Susan Cipriano from Pixabay
Hearts For You Image by Manish Dhawan from Pixabay
Heart and Friendship Key Image by S. Hermann & F. Richter from Pixabay
Couple Kiss Image by Dimitris Vetsikas from Pixabay
Image by 8007199 from Pixabay
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“Be Your Mate’s Best Friend” audio podcast by award-winning western author Stephen Bly. Recorded at Maranatha Conference Center, Muskegon, Michigan, Circa 1990. Sponsored by BlyBooks.com Legacy Series.
“A Mate’s Best Friend audio podcast by Stephen Bly. Recorded at Warm Beach Couples Retreat, Stanwood, Washington, 1992.
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