Pet Peeves and Other Irritations
At times in every relationship, each marriage, things don’t go completely smooth. We face irritations that we call ‘pet peeves’.
Relationships can be complicated, especially in marriage, the ultimate invasion of privacy. Husband Stephen and I realized that more intensely when we moved to Idaho to experiment with writing together full-time. We began a 24/7 relationship in which we shared an office in our home. Then, Steve kicked me out, in order to save our relationship.
Annoying Habits Crept In
You see, irritations popped up we hadn’t noticed before in our busy routines away from each other. For one thing, he listened to music while working at the computer. I prefer silence when thinking. So, he got headphones and that pet peeve smoothed out.
Another thing, during the day he’d get down on the floor with his dumbbell to pump iron. That would interrupt my contemplation and attention to a project. In response, I decided to take a break during those sessions.
Other Distractions
Then, another problem. My desk faced the window where at times the sun shined through. So, I closed the shades. But the room turned too dark for Steve.
And if I got a marvelous idea for my writing, I tended to blurt it out and want to talk about it. Often I caught Steve in the middle of a key sentence of his own. Sometimes he would do the same to me.
Plus, there were the noisy snacks. He’d eat an apple or celery with a crunch, crunch, crunch.
Discussion Needed
We talked about how nice it would be if we had separate offices. He told me the many benefits to my having an office of my own.
One day we realized we didn’t use the second guest room next door much. So, we converted that room to my office. Weeks later, I discovered the real reason I had been moved out of the big office. Soon, where my desk had been, appeared a slate bottom pool table.
Fill in the Blanks
Think of some questions that come up in considering close relationships. I could never live with someone who ______________. I can’t stand it when somebody ___________________. I’m pretty calm most of the time, but ______________ drives me up a wall.
We all deal with pet peeves, prejudices, and other touchy irritations. The more time we spend with someone, the higher chance we run into these problems. We need to learn how to position a cushion to soften certain relationships.
Assorted Cushions
Choices to Ease a Pet Peeve
- We can stuff it, try to ignore it. Let it build and fester within us.
- We could blab all the details to our friends. Seek sympathy for all you put up with.
- Walk out and quit the relationship.
- Find some space.
Steve and I tried #4, to find literal space in our relationship. We sought to keep and protect the precious bond of husband and wife while daily working together. There are other ways to provide each other space. .
Allow God’s Holy Spirit to intervene.
Pray down His blessings. Pray first and foremost for the other person, for powerful spiritual blessings, that God will intervene in their life to help them, especially in this area of why they do this dumb, irritating thing. Then, pray for yourself to endure and be faithful in the meantime.
When facing irritations from someone close to you, ask why? What is the need behind the pet peeve? In that, you might find the area in which to better pray. Prayer provides a balm in relationships. It’s part of that cushioning as God brings supernatural peace.
Do you do something similar?
Steve had a tendency about once a day to lose his keys. Then, he’d storm through the house searching. No matter what I was doing, I had to stop and help him find his keys or there would be no peace in the house.
One time while I stewed about this, I stopped to ask myself, “Do I do anything similar?” And I recalled, “Well, yes, I often lose my glasses.” And we have to run around until I find them.
Now, you’d think I’d immediately recognize that, but no. I neglected the fact of losing my glasses while very aware of Steve’s lost keys. We can be so blind to our own faults while irritated at others.
Play fair.
Let them know what bothers you and why. A lot of times we don’t tell others our inner conflicts. Many don’t say, “You chomped your apple in my ear for five minutes and that ticked me.”
Be fair and let them explain their side. They might have a very good reason. As you understand, you may handle it better. Then, turn it around and say, “Honey, is there anything about me that bothers you? What’s your pet peeve about me?”
Practice the fine art of grace under fire.
One way to do that is to pay attention to gracious people. Study other wives and husbands to see how they react. Many times, I’ve watched other couples who get along so well in public and at home. And in my own situation, I’ll ask myself, “What would they do now?” I make them my role model. They may not be good in every area, but they shine where I need to grow.
Find the humor.
What is truly funny about this? Look for it.
Practice your manners.
Just saying ‘thank you’ and ‘please’, the small courtesies and social graces help to cushion relationships. That can be one of the first things to go in long-time relationships and when pet peeves dominate. We can take others so for granted, we’re no longer pleasant to them in the simplest of ways.
Be creative.
Manage the problem by getting out, taking a walk. Use ear plugs. Or suck on a licorice, listen to recorded nature sounds, or chew gum to exercise your nerves and drown out sounds. Of course, your chewing gum can be a pet peeve for somebody else.
Give your whole relationship space.
When so consumed by things that irritate, try some down time to forget them all. Go somewhere. Take on a fun activity. Let it go. Give it to God.
Try a Release Rule, such as, you can only make one complaint per week. That’s quite a few when you add it up to fifty-two per year. Then balance the comment with at least one sincere praise. That helps provide a cushion for any relationship.
Janet Chester Bly
Copyright 1992
Conflict/Counseling Sign Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
Assorted Cushions Image by yaelnir75 from Pixabay
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“Quick Ways to Impress Your Mate” and “How to Cushion Pet Peeves” and “The Gap Principle” audio podcast by award-winning western author Stephen Bly and Janet Chester Bly. Recorded at Warm Beach Couples Retreat, Stanwood, Washington, 1992. Sponsored by BlyBooks.com Legacy Series.
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